Is the tide turning?

I actually am happy today. I’ve been stable for more than a week, since I last posted during a bad episode. I’m stepping down off a mood stabilizer. I’ve had this before, when stepping down off medication, I start to feel normal, and then either start a new medication journey of side effects, or my ups and downs come back. But I have a week or so of good life in between. Odd. Neurobiology quirk, body’s relief of getting off of alien chemicals?

So, is this just another good week before it all goes to shit again, or am I turning a corner? I wasn’t happy with this mood stabilizer for the whole 6-9 months I’ve been on it, psych. kept saying “wait for it, wait for it.” But nothing. I’ll just be on anti-anxiety meds soon. Waiting to find out whether my diagnosis can be confirmed, changed again, or changed back to the original diagnosis.

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No escape

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You see the week ahead, work, picking up, dropping off, buying groceries, soccer practice, making dinner, making lunches, buying snacks, supervising homework, collapsing with exhaustion at the end of the day. This life, so arduously built, seeking a career, seeking a mate, getting pregnant, now all realized and it feels like living in a shoebox.

I want to run away. Buy a motorcycle and take off. Well, buy a motorcycle, take lessons and then take off. But the heavy load of debt is part of the trap, ever increasing like quicksand, sucking you down.

But outside of all these roles, I wonder what to do. I’d like to travel, I’d like to go on long walk (preferably not too much vertical). Cruises, hiking, motorcycling. Diners. And most of all be able to experience joy again.

I’ve been watching the tv series “Satisfaction.” Basically about the mid-life crisis, but the twist is that it starts with a husband discovering his wife with an expensive escort. And then in another strange twist he decides to try being an expensive escort. And reflects on his experience with a Buddhist monk. A bit of a hodge podge. But still the central theme, of examining your life, trying to find satisfaction after you have achieved what you thought you wanted. I watch hoping I’ll find an answer when they do, but of course it isn’t that easy.

It’s tempting to look at dalliances with someone outside your marriage, to experience excitement again, but it is a red herring. Doesn’t really address the problem.

But once you realize you are unhappy, it seems no matter what you do you can’t escape it. It can be alluded temporarily with drink, sleep, and distraction.

Hang Up

This is my hang up. Pet peeve. Cell phones!

A mother is on her cell phone when she pulls up to the school to drop her children off. She keeps talking as she opens the door to let them out. She never makes contact with them as they go off. What the heck was so important that she couldn’t stop for two seconds to look at her children and say goodbye, to recognize their existence?? Who are these people talking to in the morning, every morning? I thought morning phone calls were only for emergencies, like you forgot your lunch or someone died.

Yes, this is a rant about the current obsession with cell phones. I have this fantasy that it will all be over in a year or two, when people realize how insane they have become. But we’ve already passed that point and no one is putting down the phone. I knew we had passed the point of insanity when I learned it had become common practice to TEXT WHILE DRIVING! Texting requires your hands, which are supposed to be on the steering wheel. What the hell??

I actually saw people with their cell-phone-in-hand glued to their heads while crossing a busy four way intersection in Boston–all four cross walks full of these cell phone obsessed zombies!

And the laziness. No, I won’t bother to make a list for the grocery store, I’ll just call people when I am at the store to ask what they want. No, I won’t plan exactly where to meet someone at a concert, I’ll just go there and keep texting them until we find each other. At the school bus stop, two kids standing 2 feet away from each other, both bent over their phones tapping away on some game, oblivious to each other and everything around them.

And back to cars, why is everyone constantly talking on the cellphone in their car? Can’t they wait until they get to their destination and then talk? My point is that just because we have the ability to call anytime anywhere doesn’t mean we have to. We do not have to respond to every call as if it were an emergency requiring instant response. I’m sure there are idiots who leave their cell phone on during a job interview. The teenagers who leave their cell phone on under their pillow, afraid they will an important text, when all they get and send is pure twaddle. Hang up! Get some sleep!

And yes, I have a cell phone, have had one for more than 10 years, but never got obsessive about it. I got one years ago to have a private line in my shared apartment. I turned it off permanently last year as a cost saving measure after reading a book on frugality– in the hope of saving up to go on vacation some day. Why pay for another phone when I already have two landline phones, on eat home, another at work? Call me a Luddite if you will, but I just don’t need it. And before cell phones were invented, nobody else needed them either!

Just hang up!

Queen of Hearts

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So I’m playing the card game “war” with my 4 year old son. I lay down a king and he puts down a queen, and then scoops both of the cards.

“Hold on,” I say, “You don’t win both the cards, king trumps queen!

He says, “Not in this house”

Wanting

If you have cats, you have probably noticed how they purr and clamor around you at feeding time as if you are the most wonderful person in the world. And forget all about you after they start eating. Until they need a warm lap. Which reminds me of men…Before sex, “Oh, you’re so beautiful! You smell so good!” and on and on. After sex: “umf” and he falls asleep, and is lost in reverie

It all makes sense now.

It all makes sense now.

until the next time desire arises.

It’s all downhill from here

ImageSo I’ve been out sledding with my five year old son. We are slowly working our way back to the car. He is lying on the sled at the bottom of the hill, sliding back and forth in a little patch of sunshine. A very handsome father with three little girls comes from the parking lot, heading up the hill. He glances at me, and I  say, “well, he’s having fun” and shrug my shoulders. The man gives me a dirty look and continues up the hill. Then I realize I’m still holding the beer can I found on the hill and was taking home to recycle. He must have thought I was boozing it up!p>