No escape

You see the week ahead, work, picking up, dropping off, buying groceries, soccer practice, making dinner, making lunches, buying snacks, supervising homework, collapsing with exhaustion at the end of the day. This life, so arduously built, seeking a career, seeking a mate, getting pregnant, now all realized and it feels like living in a shoebox.

I want to run away. Buy a motorcycle and take off. Well, buy a motorcycle, take lessons and then take off. But the heavy load of debt is part of the trap, ever increasing like quicksand, sucking you down.

But outside of all these roles, I wonder what to do. I’d like to travel, I’d like to go on long walk (preferably not too much vertical). Cruises, hiking, motorcycling. Diners. And most of all be able to experience joy again.

I’ve been watching the tv series “Satisfaction.” Basically about the mid-life crisis, but the twist is that it starts with a husband discovering his wife with an expensive escort. And then in another strange twist he decides to try being an expensive escort. And reflects on his experience with a Buddhist monk. A bit of a hodge podge. But still the central theme, of examining your life, trying to find satisfaction after you have achieved what you thought you wanted. I watch hoping I’ll find an answer when they do, but of course it isn’t that easy.

It’s tempting to look at dalliances with someone outside your marriage, to experience excitement again, but it is a red herring. Doesn’t really address the problem.

But once you realize you are unhappy, it seems no matter what you do you can’t escape it. It can be alluded temporarily with drink, sleep, and distraction.

Queen of Hearts

So I’m playing the card game “war” with my 4 year old son. I lay down a king and he puts down a queen, and then scoops both of the cards.

“Hold on,” I say, “You don’t win both the cards, king trumps queen!

He says, “Not in this house”

It’s all downhill from here

So I’ve been out sledding with my five year old son. We are slowly working our way back to the car. He is lying on the sled at the bottom of the hill, sliding back and forth in a little patch of sunshine. A very handsome father with three little girls comes from the parking lot, heading up the hill. He glances at me, and I  say, “well, he’s having fun” and shrug my shoulders. The man gives me a dirty look and continues up the hill. Then I realize I’m still holding the beer can I found on the hill and was taking home to recycle. He must have thought I was boozing it up!p>